Val's Call

As you may recall, it was just a few weeks ago I was in Florida with Mom and my sisters and Val was going to go the the doctor with Mom to try and get some resolution on Mom's headaches and memory loss.  At that appointment, the doctor said they needed to do some tests, etc. so we were just waiting for those results.

As Jerry and I were literally walking out of the door to take him to the airport to return to Germany, my sister Val called.  My family called me Mesa (like Lisa with an m) and often times Val shortened the nickname even further to just --Mes (like niece with an m).  And so her conversation started in a soft low voice, "Mes . . . ."

". . .we got the results of Mom's tests back.  She has a brain tumor."

I remember hearing those words but not really understanding what they meant.  Jerry was standing there next to his luggage just looking at me trying to figure out what was going on.  A big lump had formed in my throat.  It wasn't really what I was hearing that was upsetting to me but the tone of my sister's voice --like this was something serious.  I remember thinking I needed to sit down so I walked over to the couch.

"Mes?  You there?  I need to know what we need to do, you know --the Army.  Mom is going in for surgery tomorrow morning and ----Mes?  You there?"

I was sitting on the couch with tears streaming down my face unable to speak.    I swallowed what felt like a huge lump in my throat, trying to make words come out . . . "Yeah, I'm here."

"Okay well, the doctor doesn't wait to do the surgery and Mom asked that all of us be there before she goes in.  She wants to see all of us before they take her in because you know ---uh, it's just a risk and ----Mom wants to see us.  Can you come?  Like, will the Army let you?"

I had absolutely no words and absolutely no thoughts.  I was numb and I was blank.  I looked up at Jerry and said, "It's my Mom --she has a brain tumor and is having surgery in the morning . . and I need to get to Florida and . . "

I knew this stuff --I knew the procedures and I knew how to deal with Emergency Leave but somehow, all of that left my mind and I could not even function.  So as I sat on the couch Jerry would tell me what to tell my sister so I just robotically relayed Jerry's messages to my sister.  All the while in the back of my mind, both Jerry and I were well aware of the fact that we needed to leave for the airport and he could not miss that flight back to Germany.

Jerry said, "Tell your sister your Mom's doctor or the hospital needs to call the Red Cross and request Emergency Leave for an active duty solider.  Give them your name, rank, social security number and your unit.  Hospitals know what to do, tell your sister they deal with this stuff all of the time.  So just tell her that, they will know what to do."

So I told my sister what Jerry said, gave her the information and then Jerry and I headed out to the airport.  We had a two hour drive.

When I first hung up the phone I just looked at Jerry still in shock and confusion and I said, "I don't know what to do."  I'll never forget he said to me, "You go to your mother.  If my mother was going in for surgery wild horses couldn't keep me from her.  There's not an Army big or bad enough to keep me from doing so."

On the way to the airport Jerry was explaining the Red Cross procedure to me and telling me what I should do.  Like I said, I knew this stuff but somehow I didn't know this stuff.  Suddenly this became my reality and not just some text book set of instructions. 

Now I'm in a time crunch because I have a two hour drive to Kansas City to take Jerry to the airport then a two hour drive back to Ft. Riley and then I have to pack, get my leave orders and drive back to Kansas City and fly to Florida.  I also needed to get all of this done that night and be at Mom's bedside before she went into surgery the next morning.

I was almost glad to be pre-occupied with the 4 hours of drive time because by the time I got back to Ft. Riley all the Red Cross calls and preparations will have been made.  I thought all I literally was going to do was run into the apartment, pack an overnight bag, stop at my unit to pick up my leave orders, drive back to the airport.

But it didn't happen exactly that way.

Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You

Now I realize the progression should be; getting to know you, marrying you, having your baby . . .

But in this case it felt like; having your baby, getting to know you . . . . .

Jerry and I were a completely different couple in Kansas than we were in Germany and that bothered me a lot.  Germany felt like we were on a long European vacation and Kansas felt like real life.  Though we still talked of getting married, it wasn't something I was wanting to jump right into.

For one thing, I didn't want a "shot gun" wedding.  Tacky.  I know, I know.  I was pregnant and certainly I should have thought about that BEFORE conception but you know --here I was pregnant now so . . . .

I think my family thought the whole reason Jerry was coming to Kansas was for us to get married.  I kept thinking to myself having a baby is not a good enough reason to get married.  I know, sounds backwards and odd.

Its just that to me a marriage is a "til death do us part" commitment and I wanted to be certain both Jerry and I were in it for the right reasons.  Bringing a baby into the world to unmarried parents is tough but so is bringing a baby into a bad and/or doomed marriage.  My family was still embracing the bi-racial relationship and that just confused me more.  On the other hand, they were pressuring me to get married because they were uncomfortable with the unwed pregnancy.  Well, "they" doesn't exactly mean everyone.  In fact, every family member had a different opinion and every family member wanted me to do what they thought was best.

It was confusing.

When I was a young teenager my grandmother gave me some advice.  She told me a woman should never make a big decision or sign any contracts when she's "on her monthly".  What she meant was, for women that experience PMS and can have high and low emotions, you might want to put off making any big decisions until you are certain they are decisions driven back facts and not hormones.  That kept coming to mind because although Jerry was being sweet and trying so hard to take good care of me, he was also annoying me.  One day I was ready to run to the Justice of the Peace and get married and the next day I wanted to put Jerry on the next plane back to Germany.  As far as Jerry knew, things were great between us and we were headed straight for the alter.  I kept telling him I wanted to wait and he was agreeable to whatever I wanted to do.

I mean, I had such a hard time embracing a maternity uniform, imagine me in a maternity wedding dress?  That makes as much sense as maternity BDU's!

My grandmother's words kept ringing in my head and I wondered if I was having such a difficult time because I was pregnant with raging hormones.  Because I was so confused about everything, I decided I did not want to get married until after the baby was born.  But I didn't tell anyone that.  All I could think of was, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Jerry.  In fact, the thought of hurting him killed me. 

Jerry and I did not end up going to Chicago to meet my family and now I can't remember why.  I do remember looking into flights for us and calculating driving but we never did go.  My Dad was especially disappointed. It was soon time for Jerry to go back to Germany.  My due date was November 15 so he planned to come back then.  And so now I was going to be alone again.  As Jerry was packing to leave I began to realize how much I really did enjoy having him there.  Though we both were still figuring out things about each other, we really did love each other.  We just had things out of order and that made it more difficult.

We were getting ready to leave for the airport.  Jerry was literally zipping up his suitcase when the phone rang.  It was my sister Val.  Her words were very slow and determined.

Strawberry Shakes

It wasn't that Jerry was totally self-absorbed and inconsiderate of me because in addition to dragging me to car lots and me discovering quirky things about him I had never known, he was also very caring and sweet.

After arriving in Kansas, one of the first things he did was to fix up the apartment even more.  He bought slip covers for the furniture, painted and bought me things I needed.  Oh, let me back-up and say, when I first wrote to him and told him I had gotten an apartment he sent me $500 and told me to use it to get settled.  Jerry certainly was stepping up to the plate in taking care of me and our baby.

Every night I came home from work I'd notice something he did to improve the apartment.  One night I came home and he was all giddy and grinning and could hardly stand the surprise.  I walked into the bedroom and there on the bed was a whole pile of baby things; infant car seat, blankets, clothes and miscellaneous things.  One afternoon while I was at work a dozen red roses arrived for me.  They were from Jerry!  Even my OIC said, "Nice job, Jerry!"  So you see, Jerry was being very sweet to me.

One night he picked me up from work and he had two strawberry milkshakes from Dairy Queen; one for him and one for me.  After a long hot day at work, it was just something that happened to hit the spot.  Getting into that hot (no air conditioning) car, it was such a nice treat to have something smooth and frosty to sip on for the ride home.  So I must have made a big deal about how good it was and how much I was enjoying it  . . . .because the very next day Jerry came to pick me up and he had a strawberry shake for me again.

Oh okay, I enjoyed that yesterday so this is good too, I guess.

And then the next day, a strawberry shake.

Next day, strawberry shake.

Day after day after day, strawberry shakes.

I mean, the poor guy is just trying to please me and be nice but you know, to me milkshakes are just an occasional treat.  Then one day Jerry came to pick me up and he didn't have a milkshake and he said, "I was running late and so I was afraid if I got a shake I'd be late in picking you up.  We can stop on the way home."  He was very apologetic but I assured him it was okay and I really didn't need a shake every day.

Then one night we were out to dinner and on the way home Jerry pulls into Dairy Queen and starts to order shakes.  At this point, I feel like my baby is probably swimming in strawberry goo and not embryonic fluid!  I tell Jerry I really wasn't in the mood for a strawberry shake so he says, "Oh, so did you want chocolate or vanilla?"

Neither.  But that's not what I said because he was trying so hard just to be nice.  "Um, I guess vanilla but a small one, the smallest one they have --like a junior or kid size if they have it."

The next day when Jerry picked me up from work guess what he had for me --yup!  A vanilla shake.

Afterthought . . .
After I wrote this blog I asked Jerry if he remembered the strawberry shakes and he did not so I recounted this story to him and he grinned and said, "I don't really remember that specifically but I do remember every night I came to pick you up I tried to have something for you."  Awe dear sweet Jerry!

A few days later I ran out of oven cleaner so I asked Jerry if he would go to the store for me.  When he got back he laid the bag on the counter and said, "I got something for you."  I was so excited because I thought he got me a surprise!  Then I teasingly said, "Hey, this is like when we were in Kansas and you tried to bring me something every day.  We should just make this our thing, you know --I get something every day!"  Jerry stopped for a moment with a distant look on his face as if he was recalling those days.  He smiled and said, "Yeah, I remember wanting to have something for you every day."  Then he snapped back into year 2010 and handed me the bag and said, "Here you go."  I looked in it and all I saw was oven cleaner so I said, "That's it?  I thought you got me something!"  In all seriousness he said, "I did!  I got you some over cleaner!"

Oh what a difference 21 years of marriage makes.

Car Lots

It was just a few weeks before Jerry was able to get Leave and come to Kansas.  He planned his US tour with visits to Atlanta to see his son, Georgia to see his family and Kansas to come see me.  While he was in Kansas, we planned to take trip to Chicago to meet my family.

Jerry first went to Georgia.  His family had no idea what was going on, that I was pregnant or that I even existed (and that I was white).  He wanted to go home to tell his family in person and I respected that.  He also planned a few days with his family then a drive to Atlanta to see his son but unfortunately, he was not able to see his son.

When Jerry arrived Kansas I have to admit, it felt very strange.  In the past few months so much had transpired between us but we were not even together.  My spiritual life had changed too and I wasn't sure how or if Jerry was going to fit into that.  Remember I said while in Germany I began to have doubts on whether or not I could collide my two worlds; the Army which included Jerry and my civilian/home life.  From the moment I went into the Army, it was my intention to eventually return home.  I had no plans or thoughts otherwise.  And now as things changed, I wasn't thinking as much as how I could fit into Jerry's life or how Jerry and I could make a life together but more in terms of, how is Jerry going to fit into my life.  I guess that sounds self-centered but it just never occurred to me I would not return home.  I never ever even considered a life outside of Chicago.

Things were different between us and for the first time I realized, I really didn't know him.  I mean, quite a strange thing to discover this late in the game but all of a sudden I felt like I was with a stranger.  For one thing, for the first time we were outside of our tiny Army community in Germany.  We had so few choices overseas.  For instance, when we went to a movie it wasn't about what movie we wanted to see but if we wanted to go to the one and only choice available.  So now we are in the states together and I'm confused about choices he makes.  In Germany we did just a lot of hanging out because often times, that's all there was to do --but now we are in the states and just hanging out was --boring.

I first realized all of this while standing in a car lot.  Jerry was (and is) obsessed with cars.  Even with no intention or budget to buy one, he can browse car lots all day long.  Though I do find this a bit odd (and boring), when I think if it in terms of window shopping for shoes, I fully understand it.  I can go to a mall and spend the entire day without spending a dime and still have a good time.  The difference is, I don't expect Jerry to go with me and I'm not offended that he would rather stick bamboo shoots up his nail beds than do so.

Every day Jerry would drop me off at work then he'd spend the day --mostly going from one car lot to another.  He'd look at cars, drool over cars, pretend to make deals on cars  . . . . .then in the evening time he would pick me up and take me to every single car lot and show me every single car he looked at and tell me the price, gas mileage . . . . now listen --I'm pregnant, I'm tired, I worked all day long, I'm hungry, I'm in my uncomfortable uniform, it's HOT, the car does not have air conditioning  --I DO NOT WANT TO GO LOOK AT CARS.  So the first time I was nice about it and went along.  The second time I was mostly nice about it but tried to encourage him to speed it up.  The third time I flat out told him I didn't want to go.  The fourth time I was crabby and  . . .you get the picture.  So then we started going home each evening FIRST and eating dinner but then Jerry would ask, "You want to take a drive?"

Well sure I love to take drives --look at houses, parks . . maybe stop for ice cream . . .

No, we'd end up at ANOTHER CAR LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now see, I had just about had it!  I did not want to be at ONE MORE car lot and when I would tell Jerry so he'd say, "I'll just be a minute.  I promise I won't take long . . ."  The two hours later . . . .  

I envisioned a life of dragging our baby around from one car lot to another.  I mean, is there no depth to this man? Can we visit a museum?  Park? 

When I think about Jerry's visit that June what immediately comes to mind are all the car lots we went to and Strawberry shakes.

Tomorrow we will talk about Strawberry shakes.

My Scarlet Letter

While in Germany, I had earned a lot of respect from my peers and superiors and I was treated as such.  I was a good solider and though I had my own set of struggles like keeping up in PT formation or passing map reading during PLDC, I kept myself out of trouble.  I was used to being treated with respect on and off of the job.

I was also respected in a similar manner when I first got to Ft. Riley but much of that was as much about my rank as it was anything else.  Like being the new kid on the block at a job, I was going to have to prove myself; my work ethic and competence.

But then something changed and it was immediate and drastic.  As soon as everyone found out I was pregnant and not married, they all jumped to judgmental conclusions about me.  It was not just my imagination --it was so obvious.  All of a sudden I was just some stupid chick that didn't have any better sense than to get knocked-up.  The Officers started treating me differently.  For instance, when someone would ask me to do something they would stop and explain what they meant --but they had never done that before.  They would even at times use a word then ask me if I knew what they meant.

Some of it is difficult to explain but from the moment everyone laid eyes on me in that maternity uniform, it all changed.  It was in some manner, a shunning of the community.  I was no longer a part of them.

It bothered me a lot and it made me feel like I had the proverbial Scarlet Letter plastered on my chest.

People also asked me very strange and personal questions that just seemed inappropriate.  When someone would find out I wasn't married but I was obviously pregnant they'd ask, "So what are you going to do?"  I suppose they were asking was I going to get married . . .consider adoption . . . I mean, I assume that is what they meant but just because I was pregnant and unwed doesn't mean my personal choices are suddenly up for public knowledge and opinion.  Sometimes people asked, "So who's the father?"  How or why is that YOUR business?  And I don't know but sometimes in the way it was stated it seemed people were really asking, "Do you know who the father is?"  as if to imply because I was single and pregnant I was promiscuous ---"in numbers".

That coupled with the fact that I was personally struggling with shame, it made my pregnancy very emotionally difficult.  I was keenly aware of how people perceived me and they made assumptions about me that just were not true.  I was not a stupid person.  Being pregnant and unwed did not suddenly make me incompetent on the job or as a solider.  I think that robbed me of some of the joy of  my pregnancy because in the back of my mind I was wondering what people were thinking about me.  I'm normally not a people pleaser or try to get everyone's acceptance but in this case, I wanted people to understand I was still a person and my baby was still a baby.

I did not like being treated like we were anything less.

Yes, I Am Pregnant

After learning I was not able to get maternity uniforms, at my next OB appointment I mentioned it to my doctor so he checked AR 670-1, the Army Regulation governing the uniform. 

If a maternity military uniform was not available, the soldier was permitted to wear civilian clothes (business attire) but the Army name tag had to be worn and as much as possible, placed on the civilian attire as close to how it would be worn on the military uniform.  I had to still wear my hair pinned up and no nail polish, etc.  All the other military uniform regulations.

I wasn't thrilled with that idea either.  I happened to really like my Army uniform --I just didn't want to be in maternity BDU's or combat boots.  It seemed wearing a uniform was going to be the easiest and least expensive option.  They did have a maternity Class B uniform, which was the green pants (or skirt) and green dress shirt.  I liked that option the best.

And . . . turns out, that ended up being what  I wore.  Clothing Sales finally got the maternity Class B's in but the BDU's were still on back-order.  I got myself 2 skirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 short sleeve shirts and 1 long sleeve shirt.  We still had to wear pantyhose with Class B's so I got myself several pair of maternity hose.  I wasn't about to wear low-quarter shoes (very ugly uncomfortable orthopedic looking shoes) and high heels were not a good pregnant option --so I also purchased myself a pair of low-heeled black shiny shoes.  They had a very small wide heel which was a perfect option for my maternity state and yet, still fashionable.

I was to the point where my regular clothes no longer fit in fact, I was wearing maternity civilian clothes off-duty but I was still trying to squeeze myself into my regular uniform--and I finally decided my baby needed room to grow and  wearing my regular BDU's with all the buttons undone wasn't the most comfortable way to spend an 8-hour duty day . . .

So one day I walked into the JAG office, much like I did every other day, but this time I was in a maternity uniform ----

And mouths just dropped open and people stood there starring at me . . .

---Are you-----I didn't know you were -----is that uniform -----are you --------

Yes, I am pregnant.
Well no, I have not told anyone.
Of course you could not have known.
You thought I wasn't married?  Oh well, I'm not.
Yes, he's a soldier. 
No, he's stationed in Germany. 
Of course he knows.
We are talking about getting married.
I feel fine.
November 15.
I just didn't know how to tell people.
The maternity BDU's are on back order. 
I know I have still been running PT.  My doctor said it was okay.
Yes this is a maternity uniform and so yes, that does mean I am pregnant.

Those were the things I said over and over and over that day.

Pictures

In Florida with Mom after I left Germany and before arriving Ft. Riley.

In Kansas City with Val and Mom.

In Kansas City with sister Val.

In Florida on Mom's porch with my nieces Brittany and Courtney --I'm wearing the maternity shirt Sam made me.

On the beach in Florida where I am writing . . . .

This