It Was Just The Boost I Needed To Keep Going

After Monday’s post, I decided to lighten things up a bit for Tuesday but I have not left you hanging so we will pick up where we left off . . . .

After my Instructor’s outburst he told us to take a break. I had fully expected everyone to rush towards the door, as they normally do, trying to get out for a smoke break or bathroom or –whatever but this time as soon as the Instructor dismissed us, my entire class came and circled around me. They all began to encourage me and say things like, “Don’t listen to that guy, he’s a jerk . . . . hey, we don’t think that about you and that guy should just speak for himself . . . . don’t let that upset you and don’t think every guy in the Army thinks that way . . . man, they shouldn’t let HIM in the Army . . . . “ Outwardly I was thanking the guys for their support but inside I was screaming, “BUT HE’S RIGHT! HE’S TOTALLY RIGHT! I HAVE NO PLACE HERE!”

Aside from the vulgarity and chauvinism I did agree with the guy. Maybe I was just taking up space in the Army that someone more deserving should have. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a soldier.

My memory goes back to age three and whereas I know it would be argued no one can really remember that early age, I most definitely can and I have confirmed those memories with older family members. In fact, my Dad thinks one specific memory I have I might have even only been two. The point is, for as far back as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to be a Mom. I guess in part because I just wanted to be like my Mom –I thought she was so perfect and pretty and I loved how she loved me. I wanted to do that too, love someone like my Mom loved me. I loved that sense of being taken care of—even as I’d watch my Mother dust furniture or some other mundane house chore I’d feel taken care of. You never got the sense she was doing anything out of duty or obligation but out of a pure love and devotion for her family. I couldn’t think of any job more honorable or noble or perfectly suited for me.

In the 4th grade I was in Girls Scouts and we were doing an exercise in our handbooks about careers and our future and I put down I wanted to be a Wife and Mom as my career choice. When it came time to share our thoughts and I proudly read mine out loud the entire group laughed at me, even my leader. She said, “Well, that’s just something you do, it’s not a career or a job. Don’t you have any idea what you want to be when you grow up?” Totally embarrassed and feeling so inadequate I said, “Well, I guess a nurse.” A nurse? Please! There was nothing in me then or now that wanted to be a nurse but it was all I could think of. What was wrong with wanting to be a stay-home Mom? Why did everyone laugh at me?

In a way my Instructor’s outburst was the best and worst thing that happened. It was bad because I became more insecure about getting through the course and on a personal level, it made me feel like a failure—like I wasn’t the person I was suppose to be. But on the other hand, it was a pivotal moment when everything started to change. From that point on my classmates rallied around me. They helped me and supported me. Each one of them took on sort of a big-brother role with me. They looked out for me, they stuck up for me. It was not only nice but it kind of shored me up. I had been so alone but now I had a sense of being part of the team.

It was just the boost I needed to keep going.