Crim Law Clerk

I remember the Crim Law clerk well, though I don't even remember her name.  Like me she was pregnant and due just before I was.  She was a SP4 which meant I out ranked her because I was an E5.  But Crim Law Clerk had two things I wanted very badly.

She had my old job.

She had a husband.

It was astonishing to me how differently people treated me when I was pregnant (and unwed).  Remember, I did not tell anyone at Ft. Riley that I was pregnant and they found out when I just showed up in a maternity uniform one day --and that day, everything changed forever.  It was the proverbial red letter on my chest.  And I wasn't used to being treated or judged in that manner.  I was used to being treated like I was smart, capable and a good solider.  I was used to being treated like . .well, like Crim Law Clerk.

And I was INSANELY jealous of her.  Mostly of her husband.  I mean, not particularly her husband as I never met the man but a husband so I could rip the red letter off my chest.

Working in Admin law was okay and there certainly were elements of that job that I enjoyed, like the direct contact with soldiers and helping them.  But mostly, that job was boring and it certainly was without any challenge for me.  There was hardly any thinking at all to do.   I wanted back in Crim Law.  I even asked to be assigned to Crim Law but that request was never granted but I think had I not been pregnant, that request would have been granted.

Crim Law Clerk knew that too.  Maybe someone told her I was vying for her job or maybe she just sensed it in me --but whatever it was, she knew that and she flaunted that before me.  She also flaunted her marital status before me like having conversations in regards to being pregnant like, "So what does your husband . .  .oh that's right, you're not even married."  Her family situation was complicated.  Both she and her husband had been married before and had children from their previous marriages and then got pregnant together --his, mine and ours sort of thing. 

We had to do this weekly training so the enlisted JAG soldiers would gather in the court room and we'd have training and EVERY SINGLE thing I said she'd pipe in, "Oh, I disagree."  She always challenged me.  Always.  I think she was jealous of my rank.  I was jealous of her marital status and thus, it was a mutual dislike.

But more than anything, I hated how she made me feel about myself.  It was a constant reminder to me I wasn't married and yet, I was having a baby.  It was all wrong.  I wanted the wedding, the white dress, the bridal showers . . . I wanted all the things in the right order and at this point, there was no going back.

Don't misunderstand, I was not at all sorry I was pregnant.  I was thrilled to be a Mom.  I was excited to meet my baby.  I was scared too, yes but mostly, I waited in eager anticipation for my baby's arrival.

It just was more difficult to do alone.  Alone without a spouse and alone as in --simply alone.

And Crim Law Clerk was just a constant reminder of that to me.

Babies For All

1.  I was pregnant.
2.  Captain's wife was pregnant.
3.  The Girl was pregnant.
4.The Crim Law Clerk upstairs was pregnant.
5.  Another JAG clerk was pregnant.
6.  The civilian secretary's young sister was pregnant.
7.  Miss B probably wanted to be pregnant.
8.  A defense JAG clerk's wife was pregnant.

Babies for all!

Okay so you already know about me.

You already know about the Captain (slides his name over to "do not like" list)

You already know about Miss B, who really wasn't pregnant.

You already know about The Girl.

I guess now you need to know about the others.

Okay well, the civilian secretary was older than me, she had kids just a few years younger than me and she also had a sister younger than me.  I don't really remember all the details of the family logistics.  But . . .

The sister was not married and really didn't want to be pregnant and so, she decided to terminate her pregnancy and she asked her sister to go with her.  The sister (my civilian counter part in the office) just wasn't on board with that decision at all and she did all she could to talk her sister out of it but, her sister had made up her mind.  The secretary was sick about it for weeks but decided she'd go and support her sister. 

I'll never forget that day, the secretary took the day off from work to go with her sister.  That whole day it weighed heavy on my mind and heart.  Here I was pregnant, too and not married and yet, my baby was alive.  I was disturbed and distracted all day long.

The next day the secretary comes to work and first thing says to me, "She didn't do it!  She changed her mind!  When we got there she just couldn't go through with it!!  So I brought her home and she's going to have and keep her baby."

And having never ever met that girl before in my life, I was so proud of her.  I felt kindred, in a way.

#5, another JAG Clerk --I don't remember much about her except her baby was born just a few days after my baby, though she was due a whole month after.  Her little pre-mature girl was a tiny tiny 4 pounds and her name was Amanda.  And this girl, her husband and baby were at a Christmas party that I was at too.  Her daughter was so tiny she couldn't even drink out of a normal bottle --it was seriously the same size as my baby doll bottles I had as a little girl.  And I also remember she didn't strike me as the best mother --it seemed motherhood was a complete inconvenience to her.  And that's all I really remember about her.

The Crim Law clerk?  Oh yeah, I remember her well.

My Captain, MY Baby

One of the difficult things to deal with in regards to my pregnancy was the way others treated me or reacted to my pregnancy.  I hated it.  It made me feel cheap.

And My Captain was no different than everyone else.  Keep in mind, this was over 22 years ago and the military tends to be a very conservative environment --attitudes today have changed somewhat.

But people just assumed things about me because I was unwed and pregnant; stupid, slutty, ignorant, poor . . just to name a few.  And I got a lot of pity too.  Like, "poor unwed mother doomed to a life of poverty and scorn."  And My Captain assumed something else about me, too.  He assumed because I was not wed that perhaps I was open to adoption.

Seriously.  The nerve of some people.

My Captain was a good 'ol Catholic boy.  He and his wife had 3 or 4 boys.  I can't remember which but it was a brood of boys.  And Mrs. My Captain wanted nothing more in life than a little girl of her very own.  But she was afraid on her very own, she'd not produce a little girl.

One day I was in My Captain's office and I'm not exactly how the conversation transpired but he point blank asked me if I was considering adoption.

*cricket, cricket*

I didn't know how to respond because you see, there were actually a lot of people bringing up the adoption subject but at least those people were related to me and had a genuine interest in me and my baby.  This guy?  This Captain?

And the conversation only got worse.  Because you see, he and his wife had apparently been talking about my pregnancy and wondering if I was thinking about adoption and if I was and if I had a girl, would I be willing to give them my baby.

*cricket, cricket*

I was offended on so many levels but I, unlike the Captain, was keeping my military bearings about me.  In other words, I was still a Sergeant talking to a Captain, not an unwed mother talking to a ---well, jerk.  And I remember instantly wanting to guard my heart and my thoughts.  This huge brick wall just started to surface and I was closing myself off to My Captain.

Sir, I realize all of the options that are before me and I realize that bringing a child into this world as an unwed mother is not ideal however; that is a very personal choice and it is only a decision the baby's father and I will make but just because we aren't married doesn't mean we are not "together" in this. 

He was so casual about it like he had just asked if I wanted to sell him my car or something, "Oh okay well, I just thought I'd ask.  If you do decide to go the adoption route just let me know.  My wife and I would love to adopt a little girl."

Ironically, not too long afterwards his own wife did become pregnant again and yes, they even had a girl.

But ever since that day, I kept My Captain on a strictly professional level and I never discussed anything related to my pregnancy to him.

And maybe there was something in the water.  Pregnancies were popping up all over.  And none of us were even Fesslers.

Captain, My Captain

The OIC (Office In Charge) of Legal Assistance was a Captain.  My Captain.

Here's what I liked about My Captain:

He was very smart.
He was a good lawyer.
He was a family man.
He did not give me much grief or trouble.

Here's what I did not like about My Captain:

He was more lawyer than he was soldier.
He really didn't know how to be a soldier.
He could be arrogant.
He seemed to "try harder" with officers or officer's wives than he did with enlisted or enlisted soldier's family members (as legal clients).
He ran our office more like a civilian law firm than an Army Legal Assistance.
He was a tad bit chauvinistic.
He thought my feet stunk up the place.
He wanted to adopt my baby.

Miss B, The Seamstress

While having dinner at Miss B's in the course of our conversation or rather, her drilling me with questions about my pregnancy, I mentioned to Miss B dressy civilian maternity clothes were my biggest challenge because I was on such a limited budget and I didn't have an occasion to wear them much so . . .but you can always use a dress or two, pregnant or not.

Some time after that dinner and our auction-eering, Miss B came to me at work at said she would love to put her sewing skills to good use and make me a maternity dress.  Again, I honestly think she really had plans in those deepest recesses of her own mind that when she herself was pregnant, she'd fancy all sorts of dresses for herself from her sewing machine . . . but she said she wanted to do this for me and all I needed was to provide her with the pattern and material.

Thanks but not thanks, is basically what I told her but she kept pressing the issue so I said to her, "I really wouldn't know what to shop for so I'd probably give you a giant mess of stuff you couldn't use."

Which was sort of you know, a fib because I took sewing class in high school and my very own mother was a marvelous seamstress so I actually knew my way around a fabrics store but I was trying to be kind to Miss B but Miss B in turn was trying to be kind to me.  So I relented.

And one Saturday Miss B and I went shopping and I got a pattern for a maternity jumper and decided denim would be a good choice.  I purchased all that was needed and Miss B was delighted to take the treasures home and start sewing them together.

Here I am in the finished product at 7 months pregnant:

What's that?  Why no I was not expecting twins, why do you ask?  Why yes, I did still have two months left of my pregnancy so no, I wasn't full-term yet.

And what?  Oh, I'm really not sure what's up with those lace white tights.

Huh?  Oh no, I wasn't playing "Where's Waldo"  -that's just the shirt I had on.

And no, this is not at Miss B's nor my crappy apartment.  These pictures were taken at my sister's house in Michigan while I was there visiting my Mom.

Let's Start the Bidding At . . . .

Miss B was quite a bit younger than her soldier boy.  They were an odd couple, seemingly not likely to be together.  But they were, together.

Miss B was absolutely fascinated with my pregnancy.  Absolutely.   Almost wanted to have a vicarious pregnancy through me.  It was strange.  But her infatuation with my pregnancy is, what I suspect, why she liked to be around me. She'd always ask, "Is the baby kicking?  Do you feel it moving?  What does it fee like?"  She wanted to know every detail.  I think deep down in the darkest recesses of her heart, she longed for a baby of her very own but I think she knew under the circumstances, a boyfriend married to another woman, that would not be wise and so I think she just pretended she, "never ever ever in a million years", as she used to say, wanted to have a baby.

One weekend Miss B and soldier boy invited me to auctioning with them.  I had never been and any reason to get out of my crappy apartment was a good reason --any reason.  So I drove to Miss B's and then we went auctioning.  Like out in the country --miles and miles in between each auction.  Armed with a newspaper, we drove from one auction to the next.  Some of them were just auctions just for the sake of having one and others were estate auctions.  I found those to be rather sad.  I also found that 90% of the stuff being sold was crap.  Junk!  I guess one man's trash is another man's . . . . but seriously, I was bored out of my mind.  Not to mention exhausted out of my mind.  Exhausted.  It was a lot of standing and a lot of walking.  I was walking for two, you know.  Some of the auctions you had to pay if you wanted to bid.  Others just anyone could bid and I was warned more than once, be careful of your gestures as they could easily be mistaken for a bid.

Besides being bored (mostly) and very tired, I found it to be an interesting experience.  I've never seen so much junk in my life.  Ever.  I never heard a real live auctioneer and that was interesting.  At least the first couple of times it was.  After that it was --well, like the rest of the day, boring!

But it also explained the condition of Miss B's and soldier boy's house.  They were auction junkies and junk junkies and that's why their house looked like an episode of Hoarders.  I had some mild interest in finding baby items but this was all old antique-ish stuff *cough* junk.  Miss B and soldier boy were going to renovate their old house to its glorious original old state --and that's why their house was such a mess.

Or maybe it was such a mess because they filled it with everyone else's junk and not a treasure to be found!

And the entire day Miss B was watching my stomach, asking me questions and then I thought, "Okay, this is really quite enough of this odd pair."  I was happy with auctioning came to an  end and I went back to my crappy apartment, completely exhausted.

But for odd a couple as Miss B and soldier boy were, they were very just --nice and down to earth people.  They were not judgmental of me which was a very unusual thing.  Because you see, every corner I turned was a scorn and a "look".  Everyone seemed to give me their glances of pity and disapproval of my - delicate condition.

Miss B, Soldier Boy and The Wife

We're not in Kansas anymore --

Or um -actually we are.  In Kansas.  Ft. Riley, Kansas.

In case you've forgotten.

And Ft. Riley, Kansas is surrounded by . . .

absolutely nothing.

Except for that little Kansas State University . . but that's in the opposite direction of Miss B's, where I'm going to dinner.

I'm just driving out in the middle of no where.  In the middle of a lot of corn fields, actually.  Then I get to this little community of older homes --some of them quite lovely.   At the end of the street and on the corner sat the house I was looking for.  Where Miss B and her soldier boy lived.  Together.  Not married.

I don't even remember what we ate for dinner that night.  I was just in shock over what I saw once inside.  Well you know, this was way before the TV show Hoarders but it would have been the perfect house for such a show.  But it wasn't just that --stacks and stacks of stuff everywhere --the house was like --under renovation or something.  The kitchen appliances were oddly stationed in the middle of the room.  Its hard to describe but it was just weird.

But not as weird as Miss B and her soldier boy feeling comfortable enough with me to spill their guts.  Air their dirty laundry, dark secrets and stuff.  Because you see, soldier boy was married but not to Miss B, obviously or she'd be Mrs. B.  And soldier boy was married to his first --or um, current wife for a very long time --over 15 years.  Yeah, soldier boy was much older than Miss B. 

So as the story goes, soldier boy didn't want to divorce his wife because she'd get 1/2 of his military retirement and he just wasn't going to let that happen.  And Miss B was okay with that.  She just wanted to be alone with soldier boy and no matter really, the fact that he was someone else's husband.  And the wife?  I don't know.  That was all pretty weird too.  Apparently she only really wanted solider boys' money --and retirement --so she was perfectly happy living without her husband just as you know, the money kept coming.  And here was the big master plan.  Because I asked Miss B and soldier boy like --how they saw this playing out and see they were smart.  The plan was this:  wait for Mrs. soldier boy to find a boyfriend of her own and fall in love and want to get married and thus, find the need to first be divorced.  That's right folks, that was the big master plan.

And even I thought that was a really really stupid plan.

And living situation.

But for some reason Miss B and soldier boy really liked me.  I dunno how I attracted these people to me --like when Chief really liked me.

And I gotta tell you, with all else that was going on in my life, it was just nice to be liked.