Crim Law Clerk

I remember the Crim Law clerk well, though I don't even remember her name.  Like me she was pregnant and due just before I was.  She was a SP4 which meant I out ranked her because I was an E5.  But Crim Law Clerk had two things I wanted very badly.

She had my old job.

She had a husband.

It was astonishing to me how differently people treated me when I was pregnant (and unwed).  Remember, I did not tell anyone at Ft. Riley that I was pregnant and they found out when I just showed up in a maternity uniform one day --and that day, everything changed forever.  It was the proverbial red letter on my chest.  And I wasn't used to being treated or judged in that manner.  I was used to being treated like I was smart, capable and a good solider.  I was used to being treated like . .well, like Crim Law Clerk.

And I was INSANELY jealous of her.  Mostly of her husband.  I mean, not particularly her husband as I never met the man but a husband so I could rip the red letter off my chest.

Working in Admin law was okay and there certainly were elements of that job that I enjoyed, like the direct contact with soldiers and helping them.  But mostly, that job was boring and it certainly was without any challenge for me.  There was hardly any thinking at all to do.   I wanted back in Crim Law.  I even asked to be assigned to Crim Law but that request was never granted but I think had I not been pregnant, that request would have been granted.

Crim Law Clerk knew that too.  Maybe someone told her I was vying for her job or maybe she just sensed it in me --but whatever it was, she knew that and she flaunted that before me.  She also flaunted her marital status before me like having conversations in regards to being pregnant like, "So what does your husband . .  .oh that's right, you're not even married."  Her family situation was complicated.  Both she and her husband had been married before and had children from their previous marriages and then got pregnant together --his, mine and ours sort of thing. 

We had to do this weekly training so the enlisted JAG soldiers would gather in the court room and we'd have training and EVERY SINGLE thing I said she'd pipe in, "Oh, I disagree."  She always challenged me.  Always.  I think she was jealous of my rank.  I was jealous of her marital status and thus, it was a mutual dislike.

But more than anything, I hated how she made me feel about myself.  It was a constant reminder to me I wasn't married and yet, I was having a baby.  It was all wrong.  I wanted the wedding, the white dress, the bridal showers . . . I wanted all the things in the right order and at this point, there was no going back.

Don't misunderstand, I was not at all sorry I was pregnant.  I was thrilled to be a Mom.  I was excited to meet my baby.  I was scared too, yes but mostly, I waited in eager anticipation for my baby's arrival.

It just was more difficult to do alone.  Alone without a spouse and alone as in --simply alone.

And Crim Law Clerk was just a constant reminder of that to me.