Patent Leather Shoes (and the problems they cause)

Let me start out by saying I absolutely cannot believe I am going to tell you this story . . .I am already embarrassed but it’s not like you don’t know about Connie’s Lipstick, the showers at PLDC, the nylons, wearing my rank upside down ----what’s one more embarrassing story between me and my closest blog readers?

Out of sheer vanity, having determined I was not going to be put on a gym shoe profile, I decided my little size 5 pregnant feet were going to don a cute black shiny pair of low heeled black patent leather shoes during my pregnancy.

Because I happen to really like black patent leather shoes.

They are shiny.

They click-clack when you walk.

What’s not to love?

Kansas was experiencing record-breaking temperatures and neither my apartment nor my car had air conditioning. Well, my apartment had a small window unit in the living room but with temperatures in the low 100’s, a small window unit did very little to cool off even the tiniest of apartments. In addition to the heat and barely any relief from it, I was a mammoth sized 5 foot-nothing pregnant woman. I was retaining more water than the Hoover Dam; my fingers were swollen, my face was swollen, my feet were swollen—my feet were especially swollen and I’m sure they were no longer a petite size 5.

Even so, every day I would stuff my chubby feet into those size 5 black patent leather shoes, because black patent leather is pretty –and shiny. That’s all that matters here, isn’t it? Pretty as it may be, keep in mind patent leather does not exactly give you any –well, uh ---breathing room. Making matters worse, wearing nylons was required of the Class B uniform so before stuffing my swollen chubby feet into a black patent leather shoe, I’d first squish them into a tubular nylon hose. It was as if my feet were wrapped up like a swaddled newborn baby then packed into a shiny black patent leather sauna.

Do you know what happens to you when you go into a sauna? You sweat.

Do you know the unpleasant affects of perspiration are?

Odor.

It is not as if I didn’t notice my feet were a little tainted at the end of the day but you know, that was only after I took my shoes off and since I lived alone, I figured I’d be the only one really offended by any unpleasantness so it never occurred to me this was a problem. Besides, I did shower daily and wash my nylons and clothes.

One day I am sitting at my desk and it is near the end of the duty day so our waiting area is clear. My OIC comes out and stands in front of my desk engaging in a bit of chit chat, which was not a terribly unusual occurrence. Then he starts acting a little strange and avoiding eye contact and then he says in a sort of joking manner, “You know, when people take their shoes off under their desk it might become noticeable –the smell might be obvious.” Then too embarrassed to wait for a response, he bolts back into his office.

The whole thing seemed rather odd to me because I never ever took my shoes off at work. My feet were so swollen if I took my shoes off during the day and tried to put them back on it would be like trying to stuff an inflated raft back into its pre-inflated packaging. So though I found his statement to be odd, I did not think the statement was directed to me personally.

I don’t even take my shoes off under my desk!

On the way home that evening, I thought about what the Captain had said and then I started sniffing –like a hound dog on a mission. I am driving along in my un-air conditioned 1985 Dodge Colt and then it hits me –He WAS talking about me only ---he assumed I was taking my shoes off under my desk because he could smell stinky feet but truth is, they were just THAT stinky.

Okay so how badly must ones feet smell when the odor can be detected WITHOUT taking shoes off AND from a distance of at least 3 feet or more? And how embarrassing is it to be a Sergeant in the Army in a customer service based capacity and your Captain has to warn you about your stinky feet?

*raises hand* Ooo, pick me! Let me answer that last question!

VERY VERY VERY EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING!!!!!!!!!!!

I detoured from my way home and stopped and bought some foot powder and odor eaters to put into my shoes. That evening, I scrubbed my feet until I practically took a few layers of skin off. The next morning while getting ready for work and being especially paranoid about the odor, I showered, paying special attention to scrubbing my feet again. I put the odor eaters into my shoes and squirted the insides down with powder -- a lot of powder!

The JAG building was an older building and the floors were a very dark brown tile. I actually loved this building and walking down the hall to the Legal Assistance office felt like being in an old Hollywood black and white movie --click clacking my way down the hall to the Private I's office door with the frosted glass window.

As I was click-clacking my way down the hall, I kind of noticed something so I looked down only to find with each step that I took, a white puff of powder was emitting from my shoes! Making matters worse, each puff of powder was leaving a white remnant on the dark brown tile so as you looked down the long hall you can see little spots of white on the floor. I had not noticed it earlier (like walking through the parking lot) because it only became visible against the dark brown tile. I went into the ladies bathroom, took my shoes off and dumped the powder from my shoes into the trash. Noticing my feet were completely white, I then tried to wave my feet about to get any powder off my feet.

Picture it. I'm pregnant and large. I tried to reach my feet to pat them down hoping to get any powder off of them but I was having a difficult time bending down and reaching my feet and I was also losing my balance. So, I'm standing barefoot in the bathroom leaning up against the trash can trying to wave my feet and shake off any powder. All I can say is that I'm glad no one walked in to see me --and since no other soul on the whole earth knows any of this story, I might add what a brave (or stupid) soul I am for sharing this on a public blog.

I went back to my office and pretended the whole thing never happened. The civilian secretary did come in and comment, "I wonder what that white stuff is in the hallway." Thankfully, after a little traffic up and down the hall, it wasn't long before it all dissipated.

For the duration of my pregnancy, each night when I got home from work I would sit on the edge of the tub and scrub my feet down. Have you even seen a pregnant woman try to tie her shoes? Imagine one trying to scrub her feet. As the pregnancy progressed, this became increasingly more difficult to accomplish. Needless to say, it became a lot less scrubbing and more just soapy soaking. After I scrubbed my feet down, I would only wear flip-flops around the house because I figured they needed to air out. Then I would scrub my shoes inside and out; spray them, powder them and keep them out into the open for them to air out as well. It was this huge nightly process that I would go through.

I thought about buying new shoes but not receiving BAQ, I was doing good just to pay my rent and buy groceries. I was very poor and buying another pair of shoes just wasn't financially possible. After that pregnancy and getting my feet down to a normal size, I never had such a problem; I just needed to state that for the record.