Growing Up

Ft. Riley was different, much different. I did not feel like a soldier –I felt like I lived in a crappy apartment and worked a civilian office job.

In many ways, I was detached from the Army. I lived off base (in a crappy apartment). I wore a uniform true enough but a Class B maternity uniform just seemed like a skirt and blouse (with cute black shiny shoes). Speaking of being pregnant, I was put on profile, which meant, I did not do Army stuff such as PT, firing range, training, etc. That certainly contributed to my detachment from the Army. Unlike Germany where I worked on a small kaserne where everyone worked closely together, Ft. Riley was huge! I was on the part of the post where all the offices were, support –I was not near the troops so I was not exposed to all that Army stuff—even not being involved in it I still liked to see it, keep up with what was happening. Ft. Riley was so big it was almost like two posts with a long winding road cut through the woods connecting the two.

Though I myself never had to go to the field even when I was stationed in Germany, I still liked the entire hullabaloo that surrounded each exercise; the planning and preparing, the buzz in the barracks, the tanks and trucks getting packed up and ready to go and then of course, the entire convoy pulling out of headquarters on their way out –I LOVED that. I also loved when they came back, all tired, dirty and grungy. You see, that was the heart and soul of the Army. Those exercises and those men and women –that is the very reason that you my friend lay your head down to sleep each night in free country. And for me to be any small part of that, even in a support role and not directly involved –let me tell you, that is nothing short of one of the greatest privileges I have ever been afforded. Even to stand on the sidelines and watch all that happen was an honor. Your Army, my friend, stays prepared, ready, trained, fit, informed. I very much missed being a part of that and a witness to it.

That certainly did play a big part in my feeling so detached from the Army but the main reason, or rather the two main reasons were; my baby and my Mom. You see, I was changing. From the very second I understood I had a life growing within me, I became Mom-Minded. My focus was that baby –keeping myself healthy to grow a healthy baby. I did not care so much about the Army anymore –that was the old me—the new me was a Mother-To-Be –and I wanted to be the BEST Mother I could be. My heart no longer felt like a soldier—it was that whole idea of reconciling two drastically different worlds –the Army, an institution built on fighting and war and then having a baby. Soft lullabies, tender new born skin, nursing, rocking, loving, holding ---none of that seemed so Army-ish but those were the thoughts that consumed me. Well, when I was not thinking about my own Mom.

You see, at this point we had no idea what Mom’s prognosis really was and while I was still teetering between denial and anger towards the whole situation, the depth of my heart knew we were facing a long uphill battle. At the very least, we had already lost Mom in some way. Post surgery she was never the same person. It is difficult to explain –she was still herself only different, if that makes any sense at all. I don’t know.

The point is, Ft. Riley was a HUGE pivotal point in my life in all terms. The Holy Spirit was awakened within me and it was as if he was saying to me, “We have a lot of sludge to dig up and get rid of.” Do you know what happens when you dig up nasty dirty rotten sludge that had been collecting/laying there for years? Its stinks –and it stinks VERY bad. But you see, this sludge, sin in my life, it had to be exposed. However, while dealing with all that, my personal sludge, I also was pregnant, living alone, detached from the security of the Army and facing a serious illness with my Mother, who lived far away from me. I was new so I did not really know people or have friends at Ft. Riley.

Sounds horrible and well, it really was but ironically, Ft. Riley was one of the best years of my life all the while, the most painful and worst time of my life. It was here at Ft. Riley I took that one final step over the threshold from childhood to adulthood. I grew up.