Coffee, Tea & the Inability to Pee

So in the Army, or at least in the Army in the 80's (not sure what they do now) they did random urinalysis testing for drugs. Now some of it came down from --I don't know --some higher up place but also the 1SG could order the company to be tested. Sometimes it was truly random and other times the 1SG was trying to bust someone he suspected using. This day the entire Division was tagged for random drug testing. We were called to a division formation, much like the formation we had when SSG Newsome lead division PT and then each Platoon Sergeant was given a list of names of whom should report for testing (peeing in a cup). Glory! My name was called out.

No problem, it was still very early in the morning so I'm sure I can pee, get this over with, and get back to work and this certainly wasn't my first urinalysis test in the Army. We had to go into the NCO club, which was situated just behind our formation. From there we showed our ID, signed in, etc. I had been tested before, nothing new here. You get tested every time you go to a new training or randomly or whatever --grab the cup, pee, hand in the cup --simple process. What I didn't know is there was now a new process.

You see, the Army was really cracking down on drug usage and DUI's but for every new policy the Army tried to enforce, the more creative soldiers would get. When urinalysis testing started those that knew they would come up "hot" (positive) found ways to get around the testing. First they'd have someone else pee for them. Turn that urine in as their own. Done. So then the Army figured out they were doing that so they decided you'd have to go into the bathroom stall to pee then come out and hand your bottle over. There have to be a chain of custody in that, every single person that touched, handled or processed that bottle had to sign a paper. So soldiers got more creative and decided they'd take in with them some urine in a bag when they went into the stall empty the bag into the bottle, pee into the toilet. Done. THEN that was discovered so then you'd have to have all of your pockets empty and not take anything with you into the stall. Soooo --the soldiers would put bags of pee in their underwear and rig up some tubing so it appeared they'd be peeing but really still just dumping someone else's pee into the bottle.

I mean, I could go on all day with the different ways soldiers came up with to get around a urinalysis test --none of which was stop smoking pot!

I was handed a cup and then assigned a female Lieutenant. Huh? What exactly is going on? I wasn't sure but I also wasn't too keen on female lieutenants so --I basically ignored her and went into the bathroom --and in she followed which I still ignored until I went into the stall and still she followed.

Excuse me? May I help you?

"I have to watch you pee."

Okay listen here --I have done some pretty strange things in the Army. I was made to live outdoors and everything and anything I had to do during that time had to be done outdoors. You figure it out. I was made to eat with filthy dirty hands and no means to wash them. I had male drill sergeants and NCO's go through ALL of my personal things for an inspection --including my underwear. I had to eat and sleep when and if I was told to. I had to shower and use the bathroom with no stalls or privacy. I had to share a two-man tent with a total stranger. I had to do cold weather training (putting your "buddy's" feet under your shirt and against your skin to keep warm and prevent frost bite), they took my blood and my urine any and every time they wanted---------------not to mention the numerous times I had to endure sexual harassment and inappropriate language and behaviors by male Sergeants and now THIS?

I don't think so.

By this time there were other females in stalls too and roars were rising from each stall like the crest of a rolling wave on the sea. One soldier yelled out, "Oh no! My momma told me to never let anyone look there!"

I stormed out of the stall and bathroom and into the hall where the table was set up for the processing. Guys were filing out of their bathroom, urine bottles filled to the rim. Easy for them, I thought, they pee in front of each other all of the time. I went to the table and voiced my compliant, "Um, excuse me kind (perverted) Sergeant but see, I'm not going to pee while someone watches me so uh --can we just do this another way or perhaps you can take my blood or something else?" I was informed that under no circumstance would anything be acceptable other than my urine deposited into cup whilst being observed, "The Lieutenant must be able to see," I was informed, "the pee coming from your body into the cup. It's the only way we can be certain its yours."

I was offended on so many levels I can't even explain it. First of all I DON'T DO DRUGS!!!! I begged and pleaded and was told there was no other way and in fact, I was already out of line because once we entered into the bathroom we were not supposed to leave until the Lieutenant had our urine.

SHUT UP! I hate the Army. Send me home!

I was ordered back into the bathroom. So then I decided to appeal to the Lieutenant herself. I explained to her I didn't do drugs and I was not afraid of being hot but I was very uncomfortable with the situation and if she would please just let me go on my own I'd promise not to tell anyone." She wouldn't budge! No one in that bathroom was happy. Soldiers were yelling and swearing --all were complaining h0w utterly ridiculous this was --but they were all going. I decided the only thing to do was to get this over with as quickly as possible. When I went into the stall with the Lieutenant, we quickly discovered there wasn't room enough for both of us and to shut the door --so we had to leave the door open. GREAT! You can stand and watch me and then we'll just gather an entire audience here too.

First attempt. Fail. I couldn't go. No problem, I told the Lieutenant, I felt the urge to go so this shouldn't take too long.

Second attempt. Fail.

Third attempt. Fail.

Fourth attempt. Fail.

The Lieutenant asked me to go out to the table with her. She told the NCO's, "She can't go so I need to get her some water." There was a drinking fountain near by so they asked me to get a drink. I drank. I drank and I drank.

Fifth attempt. Fail. By this time I was the only female left who had not gone. The others, despite their protesting, were able to complete the task and move on. As badly as I wanted to go and get this over with and as badly as I needed to go, I could not. After several trips out to the drinking fountain I was finally given a cup and told to use the sink in the bathroom to drink water from. The problem here is because of that chain of custody, those that were administering this testing could not leave until all of the urine was accounted for. I could not be out of the presence of that Lieutenant and she nor I were supposed to leave that bathroom.

Hours passed. Everyone was getting a little upset with me. They started bringing me all sorts of liquids to drink; juice, coffee, tea, water, soda . . . I drank ALL of it. I peed out none of it. My stomach was full and sloshed around like ocean waves lapping up the side of a ship. My bladder felt like it was going to explode! And yet, each attempt to go to the bathroom was a failure.

The Lieutenant and I were allowed to sit out by the table because other than the toilets themselves, there was no place to sit in the bathroom. They finally called a nurse. She arrived and asked me a few medical questions, just to be certain there wasn't a medical problem then she said, "Well, we call this having a shy bladder. Its pretty common in woman." Great! We have a name for my condition, the kind nurse will explain to these idiots I simply cannot go and I'll either be allowed to go alone or not at all. I asked the nurse if I could go alone. She laughed. She said, "Eventually your body's need will over come your shy bladder so we'll just wait it out."

These are the most stubborn people I have ever met in my life!

More waiting. Hours later, I had not reported for duty at SJA so the NCOIC sent a private out to find me. He showed up at the NCO club and inquired about me. They told him my problem and he went back to JAG and told them my problem. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! NOT ONLY DO I HAVE TO PEE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, THE ENTIRE DIVISION NOW KNOWS.

Finally I was able to pee and not as much as I needed to but enough to get into the cup. The Lieutenant was happy. She signed to take "custody" of the urine, we washed our hands and left. Happily, she turned the cup over to the Sergeant in charge. Thinking he was going to be more than happy to finally be done with this I was surprised, shocked and ticked off when he said, "I"m sorry, that's not enough. You have to fill it to this line here."

I was just under the line but he insisted it reach or exceed the line. Back into the bathroom we went. Not thinking and still ticked off he wouldn't accept the urine, I went into the stall and dumped it all. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????", the Lieutenant asked. I explained to her it wasn't enough and she said, "But we could have still used that! Now you have to fill that up all over again."

Oh, I didn't think about that. Here we go again.

Hours later, and I do mean hours later, I finally succeeded. The whole fiasco had begun at 6am and it was now passed lunch time. As news travels quickly in a small town and our Division headquarters was much like a small town, everyone knew poor little Dodge was in the NCO club bathroom with a shy bladder. When I finally got back to the JAG office everyone clapped for me saying, "Yay! You peed! Good job!" You know, like a Mommy cheers on her potty-training toddler only I was 20-something, not 2!

Great! As if hearing about my panties for weeks and weeks after my grandmother divulged that information on the customs label on my Christmas package, now I get to hear about me peeing for weeks and weeks.