Burning Coals

My chapel experience rattled me.  I was already reeling in my own guilt and shame and grasping forgiveness seemed far out of my reach.

Because I didn't deserve it, right?

That's what Satan wanted me to believe.  And it worked, for a time.

I was rattled and uncertain and I never wanted to go back into a church again, not if that was how I was going to be treated.  And so for a time, I put off the quest for a church.  I couldn't bring myself to endure that rejection again.

Jerry and I were not able to call each other, because of the crazy overseas calls expense.  But we wrote to each other every day.  That was the only form of communication we had with each other and as it were, mail was slow to reach him and we were constantly a week or two behind each others lives.  It was frustrating in a way, but it was all we knew.  It wasn't like we had any concept of emails, chatting, skype or the like so though we had limited means to communicate- --it just was what it was.

I was also torn between wanting to be married and not wanting to be married.  I did not like the looks of disapproval my unwed pregnancy brought upon me.  I did not like how people seemed to equate my pregnancy with a lack of intelligence.  I did not like the assumptions people made about me because I was pregnant.  And mostly, I wanted to be a family; Mom, Dad & baby.  I wanted that.  I desperately wanted that.

But I was scared.

Because a baby did not seem a good enough reason to get married and before I left Germany, prior to knowing I was pregnant, I was already beginning to have doubts, doubts about Jerry and me, doubts about marriage, doubts about the Army.  And those doubts scared me.  A lot.  For as much as I wanted to bring my baby into a complete family, I also did not want to jump into a marriage that wouldn't last and put my child through divorce and separation. 

But what bothered me the most was how people just assumed I was going to get married.  It was never asked of me but rather stated like, "When you and Jerry get married . . ." And the assumption was that the only reason we were not married yet was because he was in Germany.  I found that odd.  On the other hand, they found it odd that I wasn't running to the alter.

In all the hurt and rejection I was already facing, this matter wasn't making it any easier.  In a conversation with a close family member about me getting married it was asked of me, "So when are you and Jerry getting married?"  Not "if" but "when".  I didn't know how to put into words what I was feeling and confused about so I simply said, "I don't know."  And to that, this person responded, "Well, this has gone on long enough.  It's embarrassing.  What do you expect us to tell people when they ask about you?  You're being selfish and not thinking of the position you have put your family in.  We are uncomfortable telling our friends about your pregnancy and you're not even married."

Those words cut deep and even to this day, sometimes they resound in my head and my heart has a hard time wrapping around them  Selfish?  I was so desperately trying not to be selfish and conceive what was best for my baby.  How was that selfish?  And wow, an embarrassment to my family?  Hurtful words.

Hurtful words to a young woman that was alone, losing her mother, confused, pregnant and without any means to even have these conversations with Jerry.

But I did realize that I wasn't the only one struggling.  This was huge to my family --all of them.

And coals of guilt and heartache were heaped upon my head.