Going To The Chapel

Having made confessions of the heart, I desperately needed spiritual nourishment and so, I sought out to find a church.  At the time, I was still living in the barracks and so it seemed attending church on post would be the easiest thing to do.  I looked in the post directory and found the listing for the Main Chapel's services.  The next Sunday I was prepared to go to church.

The main chapel was located on the main post, I suppose.  It was near the Officer Housing, where the officers and their families lived.  It was a small chapel but had a basement where classrooms for Sunday School classes and the like took place.

Walking into a brand new church alone was certainly not something I was accustomed to doing, nor comfortable with.  Especially back then, much younger and more insecure with myself, it was a monumental task for me to muster up enough courage to do so.  But courage I found but it was wrought with nerves and fear and anxiety.  But my desire to go to church was far deeper than my anxious thoughts and feelings and so, I made myself go.  I pushed through it.

I don't remember much about the services but I do remember not feeling very welcomed.  Not many people greeted me or even acknowledged me.  Even so, I sat through services and determined within myself to keep coming and keep giving it a chance.  Every fiber in my body wanted to bolt out the back door but my heart was so aching for fellowship, love and acceptance.  My soul was thirsting for God's Word and all those desires, they kept me planted in the pew.

After service was over there was mingling and I was doing my best to mingle too.  People were talking to each other, fetching their children from Sunday School/nursery, etc.  As far as I could tell, the congregation was made up of families; husbands, wives, children.  That made me uneasy too --a single soldier and I wasn't even showing yet  but that stigma of the unwed pregnancy was ever in my mind, too.  I was also keenly aware, though no one was in uniform, that these were mostly, if not all, Officers and their families.

There were some crooked smiles tossed my way and even a few good mornings but no one talked to me, much to my disappointment.  I even tried to muster up questions to ask, prodding and hoping to spark a conversation but I'd just get a simple matter-of-fact answer and that was that.  Ready to move on back to the barracks, a woman was approaching me.  I was excited.  I felt like okay, this moment here, this was my gateway in.

The woman extended her hand and a smile, introduced herself and welcomed me.  She asked me if I was new to Ft. Riley and if my husband would be joining me soon.  I explained to her that I was not married and then assuming I was an officer, asked where I was living. When I told her the barracks and she knew I was enlisted --she quickly withdrew her hand from mine.  Her smile abandoned her face in a flash.  She gave me a look-over from head to toe and in a matter of seconds, she made me feel like an unworthy piece of trash.  She just responded to me, "Oh" and as she said just that simple two letter word, her voice trailed off.  And as quick as her smile left her face, she left my presence.  Left me standing there.

And I couldn't get out of that chapel fast enough.  I rushed towards the exit and got to my car.  I sat in the front seat and bowed my head and cried.  And in a prayer crying out to God, I uttered out loud, "I'm so sorry."

Because that woman and that entire congregation made me feel so unworthy of God's love, like I didn't deserve to be there among them.