My Scarlet Letter

While in Germany, I had earned a lot of respect from my peers and superiors and I was treated as such.  I was a good solider and though I had my own set of struggles like keeping up in PT formation or passing map reading during PLDC, I kept myself out of trouble.  I was used to being treated with respect on and off of the job.

I was also respected in a similar manner when I first got to Ft. Riley but much of that was as much about my rank as it was anything else.  Like being the new kid on the block at a job, I was going to have to prove myself; my work ethic and competence.

But then something changed and it was immediate and drastic.  As soon as everyone found out I was pregnant and not married, they all jumped to judgmental conclusions about me.  It was not just my imagination --it was so obvious.  All of a sudden I was just some stupid chick that didn't have any better sense than to get knocked-up.  The Officers started treating me differently.  For instance, when someone would ask me to do something they would stop and explain what they meant --but they had never done that before.  They would even at times use a word then ask me if I knew what they meant.

Some of it is difficult to explain but from the moment everyone laid eyes on me in that maternity uniform, it all changed.  It was in some manner, a shunning of the community.  I was no longer a part of them.

It bothered me a lot and it made me feel like I had the proverbial Scarlet Letter plastered on my chest.

People also asked me very strange and personal questions that just seemed inappropriate.  When someone would find out I wasn't married but I was obviously pregnant they'd ask, "So what are you going to do?"  I suppose they were asking was I going to get married . . .consider adoption . . . I mean, I assume that is what they meant but just because I was pregnant and unwed doesn't mean my personal choices are suddenly up for public knowledge and opinion.  Sometimes people asked, "So who's the father?"  How or why is that YOUR business?  And I don't know but sometimes in the way it was stated it seemed people were really asking, "Do you know who the father is?"  as if to imply because I was single and pregnant I was promiscuous ---"in numbers".

That coupled with the fact that I was personally struggling with shame, it made my pregnancy very emotionally difficult.  I was keenly aware of how people perceived me and they made assumptions about me that just were not true.  I was not a stupid person.  Being pregnant and unwed did not suddenly make me incompetent on the job or as a solider.  I think that robbed me of some of the joy of  my pregnancy because in the back of my mind I was wondering what people were thinking about me.  I'm normally not a people pleaser or try to get everyone's acceptance but in this case, I wanted people to understand I was still a person and my baby was still a baby.

I did not like being treated like we were anything less.