We Really Weren't All About Following The Rules

I don't remember very much about the next few days only that it was a lot of waiting around.  We decided we did not want Mom to stay alone so we all took turns spending the night with her, again we defaulted to birth order and so, Val spent the first night with Mom.  Well, the first night she was out of ICU.  I believe that first night post surgery she stayed the night in ICU.

The first day Mom was back in her room was amazing.  Mom was alert, talking, laughing . . . we just stayed with Mom keeping her company, lifting her spirits.  I think I failed to mention the area in her brain where her tumor was located was the part of the brain that controlled speech, which is why one of Mom's symptoms was forgetting words.  But post surgery Mom was doing quite well.  I mean no, it wasn't a miracle cure and she still had difficulty with her speech but she was talking and knew what was going on.

She was Mom but  . . . she wasn't quite the same.  Something changed in her, I'm not sure what but after her surgery Mom was never the same Mom again.  It was sad yes, but in some ways it was amazing too.

I still needed people to hate and just about every staff person was a perfect candidate for me.  When I say "hate" I don't really mean that in a literal sense, you understand, but in my stage of anger, that emotion just needed some release.  And it wasn't as if I was acting angry or hateful towards anyone, it was more or less an inner turmoil ---fighting my heart, head and confusion privately within myself.

But angry I was, nonetheless.

Mom loved the beach.  You know, that Puerto Rican tropical blood in her.  LOVED!  THE!  BEACH!  So one we were all sitting around with Mom talking and trying to keep her spirits up and she was telling us what she wanted to do when she got out of the hospital --and one of those things was go to the beach.  So we stared making plans--we were talking, laughing --having a good time.  Enter Crabby Nurse.  She comes in and asks if she could speak with us out in the hall --so my sisters and I stepped out.

And she lit into us!  We got a scolding and she wasn't nice about it at all!  "Your mother just had brain surgery!!!  You have her all worked up.  I hear all kinds of laughter and talking going on.  Your mother needs her rest and she doesn't need to be making plans --you understand why, right?  She's not going to the beach!  Now you girls need to keep her calm and quiet or . . ."

The nerve of her!  Really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was as if she was saying Mom was dying and would never go anywhere ever again.  So after our scolding my sister and I stood there and we figured whatever made Mom happy is what we were going to do.  Granted, we understood she needed her rest and we agreed to tone it down a bit --but treat Mom like she was half dead?  No, we refused.  Treat Mom like there was no hope?  Absolutely not!

Since Mom's speech was affected we wondered if that had any bearing on her Spanish, as she was bi-lingual.  So we asked around and found out there was a Spanish speaking nurse on the next floor so we asked if he wouldn't mind coming over to talk to Mom.  He agreed when he got a chance to get away he'd come over.

It was about an hour or so when this young man walks in and very bright and cheerful greets Mom in Spanish.  Her whole face lit up!  She began rattling off Spanish--Mom loved connecting to her Puerto Rican heritage.  They talked for a bit, the nurse turned to us and said, "Her Spanish is completely fine!  She was having no trouble at all understanding me or speaking to me."  Mom was so glad he came.

Another thing Crabby Nurse told us was that Mom should not look at her face or scar until some swelling had gone down.  I don't think Mom looked bad at all but the nurse told us post surgery, Mom kept asking to see herself but they decided it was best if she wait but for us to not act like it was nothing and keep telling Mom we couldn't find a mirror ---just make excuses.  Mom kept asking over and over to see herself and we kept changing the subject, telling her we'd find a mirror, etc.  Then it just came to me --Mom isn't stupid.  I'm sure she was aware of what we were doing and it bothered me.  We were lying to her and treating her like a baby.  Mom asked again to see herself, while gently running her hand over her incisions (they were not bandaged at this point) and my sister Val made up some excuse.  Then Mom touched her face, looked me right in the eye and said, "I look like a monster!"

Her words cut me deep.  I felt so bad for her.  I assured her she certainly did not look like a monster and then I said, "Mom, do you really want to see yourself?"  My sister Val caught my attention and with a mortified look shook her head no.  I wasn't having it.  We were not making Mom feel any better about herself and in fact, she assumed we kept putting her off because she looked horrible.  She needed to see herself and I did not care what any nurse said!  I got a mirror, from where I don't really remember, and I sat on the bed next to Mom.  My sister Val got in close too and we let Mom look at her face.

If you've seen the movie in Titanic there is a scene that so perfectly describes Mom seeing herself in the mirror.  It's when Rose, as an elderly woman, is on the ship she was flown out to and she is shown some articles that were salvaged from the wreckage, one of which was her mirror.  Rose picks it up and looks at herself, stares for a minute then says, "Hmp, the reflection has changed a bit."  It wasn't as if Rose was particularly happy with the change but she was resigned to it --in full acceptance of ---it is what it is!

That is kind of what Mom did.  She looked at herself a bit kind of shrugged and that was that. She was not horrified and if anything, it helped ease her worries and nerves more than anything.  Not seeing herself was making her more anxious.

Since Val had spent the first night with Mom, it was my turn that night.  So after visiting hours were over everyone went back to Mom and Bob's and I spent the night with Mom.  We really weren't supposed to but --if you have not already noticed, we really weren't all about following the rules.