In The Name Of Love

SSG Newsome and I were friends and we did see each other out and about quite often. Division HQ's was a lot like a small town --everyone knew everyone. We spent some time together and though we did like each other, I still thought he was a bit egocentric and he thought I was young and crazy. He often called me "little girl" or "doll baby" or "girl scout" and that used to infuriate me. I wanted to be a soldier --legit. I did not want to be masculine but I wanted to carry my own weight and I felt I had pretty much done that. Listen, getting through Basic Training was a HUGE accomplishment for me --HUGE! I did that all on my own, of my own accord. Granted, I wasn't an airborne ranger, drill sergeant --or any of those "Hooah" Army things but everything that I was, I had earned through painstaking blood, sweat and tears --literally!

There was a huge divide between Staff Sergeant Newsome the soldier and Jerry Newsome the man. When we were together, Jerry Newsome (though I still called him Sergeant Newsome) was kind, thoughtful, protective, funny, engaging, carefree --- he was fun to be with. Staff Sergeant Newsome was demanding, demeaning, egotistical, commanding -- not so fun to be with especially when he was around other NCO's. I was just a stupid private, what did I know? That bothered me a lot and yet, there was a part of me that liked both sides of him. Staff Sergeant Newsome intrigued me. I was impressed by him. I loved his Army stories and accomplishments. People listened to him and respected him. I liked to see him "in action" --in the midst of just Army stuff. But when he was that person we were not equals.

One night we went to a company function at a German Guesthouse and I remember being excited about going because I knew he was going to be there. Since we often ate meals together in the Mess Hall I just assumed we'd sit near or with each other at the dinner. Much to my disappointment, SSG Newsome sat with his Sergeant Army buddies --I was dismissed to sit with the lowly privates --the nobodies. I made up my mind then that I'd never be good enough in his eyes. I wasn't trying to impress him with my Armyness but I didn't like how there seemed to be two definitive sides to him. See, I was one person. There wasn't Private Dodge and Melissa Dodge --we were all the same person and dismissing Private Dodge was dismissing me. It was hurtful, to an extent, but also sent mixed messages. No sooner than I thought he hated me and didn't want to talk to me, he'd show up and do something incredibly thoughtful and kind. I was confused and a bit angry too.

I decided the only way to bridge that huge gap was for me to become more Army and less Melissa. Oh the stupid things we do/think/say in the name of love.