Decisions

Jerry's phone call lifted a huge burden from my heart. Ever since the night I went down on my knees and prayerfully opened my heart, I knew I was not alone and things were going to be okay. I had such a sense of peace about me. Even so, though I knew my heavenly Father was not going to abandon me, I was still uncertain what Newsome was going to do.

After his call I felt so much better and even more so, I realized I was not alone. I needed all of his reassuring words. And now I officially felt pregnant. Well you know, I felt pregnant before but now I had some security and this was our news.

From the moment of conception, a woman's life is forever changed. A pregnancy can only end in miscarriage, abortion, birth to adoption or birth to raising a child. There is no "undoing" a pregnancy. In any scenrerio, a woman's life is changed --forever. I had that keen sense of my life being at a pivotal moment. You see, this was not a planned or expected pregnancy so it is not as if we waited in eager anticipation for that day, that news or that pink strip on a urine test. I did not have time to get used to the idea before the idea was --well, a conceived child. After talking to Newsome I went from being a pregnant woman to being and expectant Mom. It was as if the thought of the possibility of raising a child alone was so overwhelming that I did not allow myself to think of myself as Mother. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me in my heart and yet it is confusing in my head. I needed to put the wheels in motion but we were kind of at a standstill until we knew which direction to drive. Now that I knew which direction to turn to, I was ready to go.

In some of my letters to Newsome I mentioned the possibility of me getting out of the Army because a woman can request a discharge if she is pregnant. Like the maternity battle dress uniforms, being a soldier and being a mother did not seem to coincide for me. I knew staying in the Army meant staying at Ft. Riley and I knew staying at Ft. Riley meant going through a pregnancy alone. I did not want that. Even if Jerry and I married right away, it would be months before we could actually be together --these things took time. Once I would finally come down on orders for joint domicile, I would probably be too far into the pregnancy to move. So anyway, these were the considerations that seemed to plague me.

Get married now? Get married later?

Get out of the Army now? Get out of the Army later?

Get out of the Army later? Reenlist for another term?

Move to Germany with Jerry? Stay at Ft. Riley?

Move to Michigan to be with my sisters? Move to Chicago back home? Move to Florida near Mom?

With all that was going on in my life, could I possibly plan a wedding? Could Newsome even be home for that?

There were so many decisions yet to be made.