Waiting

My letter was on its way to Germany.

My father was on his way to Kansas.

My mother was in Florida.

My older sister in Michigan.

My younger sister a student at Eastern Illinois University.

And I was all alone at Ft. Riley.  Being a Sergeant.  Being sick.  Hiding my sickness because I wasn't ready for anyone to know . . .

Staying locked up in my barracks room because I didn't want to get too close to people. . . .

When I could afford it, I'd head over to the call center to call my Mom.  She was always happy to hear from me.  Most of our conversations were just tearful sobs.  She always urged me to pray, to seek God's help and direction.

I was in this limbo place between homesickness and just feeling terribly lonely.  This wasn't the homesickness I felt in Germany, that intense longing for family and home.  No, this was different but in the same manner, it just left a huge void in my center.

And it just felt like that void could be filled if only --Newsome would call me, my family wouldn't be so upset with me, my Mom would come see me, I could just be home, I could get out of the Army, I could not have to go to Legal Assistance one more day, I was feeling better, Mom was feeling better, I had clearer direction . . .every day I longed for those things and I obsessed on those things and I felt that something had to give.  At some point the damn had to break and all of this worry and confusion had to come out. 

But it had no where to go.  No ears to fall upon, no shoulder to cry upon, no understanding or help . . . just anger and disappointment, confusion . . . And every day I'd hear my Mother's words, her urging me to pray and seek God.

But I thought didn't deserve God.  I didn't deserve forgiveness. I felt like God would tell me, "You got yourself into this mess, you get out of it."  Because I had been so far gone for so long.  How do I find my way back?  As I posted here, there wasn't much spiritual nourishment.

I waited.  I waited for a letter from Germany.  I waited for answers.  I waited for my father to arrive.  I waited for a break in my sickness.  I waited for clarity of mind. I waited to reveal my secret to everyone.  I just waited.

And patiently and lovingly, someone waited for me too.  I just didn't know it at the time.