I'm So Tired . . . .

Our last night in the field was cold and rainy.  The platoon sergeants were given strict instructions to ensure the soldiers put clean and dry socks on for the night.  You see, the Army was very strict about frost bite and other cold weather injuries.  I mean very very . . . 

Like in Basic Training and AIT when we did First Aid training it went something like this:

Here's how to treat a sucking chest wound.  Got it? Done!  Let's move on.

Here's how to dress a wound.  Got it?  Done!  Let's move on.

Here's how splint a broken limb.  Got it?  Done!  Let's move on.

Okay now we will spend the next 8 hours learning about the prevention, warning signs and treatment of frost bite.

I mean --I exaggerate just a little bit but you know, the Army had its thing and its thing happened to be---they didn't like frost bite.  Sexual Harassment?  Well you know, that wasn't their thing back then.  I wonder now that our soldiers are mostly in the desert what the Army's new thing is.  But back then it was frost bite so my job that night was to inform all of my soldiers they best be putting on some clean dry socks.

To say I was tired minimized my physical state.  I don't even think exhausted accurately describes my physical, mental and emotional state.  I was just done.  So done.  I was walking through this wooded area --muddy wooded area ---DARK muddy wooded area and didn't even want to cry.  I was beyond crying.  I think I just wanted to collapse.   It wasn't like boyscout camp where every tent was neatly lined up.  They had to be close --but not too close.  It wasn't like a camp ground where the ground was already clear.  It was --it was misery at a height and level I had never ever known.

I finally checked in on all my guys, couldn't find my way back to my tent for a good while but then made it back just in time to get a few hours of sleep.  I think we had to be up at 5am.  I'll ever forget how I felt when I laid down that night --it was a physical feeling I had never experienced before or ever again.  When I was finally still, every muscle in my body throbbed.  My skin was tingly.  Yet oddly, I was numb all over.  My mind was so cluttered I couldn't make sense of most of what I was trying to remember.   I wanted to cry.   I couldn't cry.  I wanted to sleep.  I couldn't sleep.  I was damp, cold and uncomfortable.  The ground was hard.  The rain was relentless.  Every time I was about to drift into sleep, I'd have a panic moment -- where's my weapon . . . is it time to get up . . .I can't be late . . . are there rats out here . . . are bugs crawling on me .  . .. what if I have to pee . . . .my tent is leaking . . . . should I put my dry clothes on now or in the morning . . .what was that noise . . .my body aches so bad . . . I'm so tired. . . . I seriously will die if I feel ANYTHING crawling on me . . . WHERE'S MY WEAPON  . . . I can't believe I forgot my weapon today . . . I wonder how much trouble I'm in . . . .is Sergeant Newsome thinking about me . . . .I don't really care . . my Mom would be so sad to know I'm so miserable right now. . . . I wish I could fall asleep . . . WHAT WAS THAT?  . . . is someone out there . . . . .is that the rain or something crawling on my tent . . . where's my weapon . . . its right here in my sleeping bag with me, why do I keep feeling like its gone . . . . I hear footsteps or maybe rats--like lots of rats . . . . . . there could be rats out here, right? . . . . field mice . . . . why did I join the Army?  .. . . I hate the Army . . its almost time to get up now . . . . I'm so tired. . . .what if someone just comes in here and attacks me? who would hear me?  I can't even scream . . .I'm too tired to even scream . . . or cry . . . . oh great, I DO have to pee .. . .I'm not walking out there again . . its dark. . . oh yeah, where is my flashlight . . . . what if I have to get up . . .oh, there it is --right next to my WHERE'S MY WEAPON . .Oh, there it is. .. . calm down Melissa. . . what time is it?  I can't over sleep. . .  what's our mission tomorrow . . . who is on sick-call?  I can't forget that . . too bad my notebook got soaked--it's useless . . I'm so cold . . I should fall asleep now .. . I hate the Army . . .I'm never going out in the field again . . .ever . . . I'm so tired . . .