Stupid Girl!

With all of the military formalities I had failed to render my previous visits, I reported to the CSM’s (Command Sergeant Major) office, as instructed to do so.

[Note: I use the terms interchangeably but Commandant is his position at the school, in charge of the school. CSM is his rank, Command Sergeant Major but when speaking you refer to the rank as Sergeant Major.]

Sergeant Major was a little relaxed, kind of laid back and it almost gave me a sense of relief but I still felt I had more strikes against me than anything going for me.

Sergeant Major started with, “Sergeant Dodge, how’s it going?”

Is he kidding with that? Is he trying to lure me into a false sense of security then drop the ax on me? How’s it going? Exactly what is he getting at? How’s it going?

Unsure of where he was going with all of this I asked, “How’s it going? With? What do you mean?”

He picks up some papers (are they my discharge papers from the school?), starts shuffling through them, glancing over them then says, “Yes, how’s it going? The course? You doing okay? How do you like being Platoon Sergeant? Is everything going okay?”

Is he being sincere or is he fishing? Does he really want the truth or just want me to tell him everything is fine? I don’t know what to say, what do I say? Does he know what a screw up I’ve been?

“Yes, Sergeant Major. Everything is going okay.”

You liar, Melissa!


“Really?”, the CSM says to me and continues, “because I see here your test scores are dropping dangerously low. So far you’ve passed everything but you may not continue to do so if your grades keep going down . . . . and I see your platoon isn’t doing so well with inspections. Do you want to tell me about that?”

No thank you. I do not want to tell you about that. May I please leave now?


“Well, I don’t know what to tell ---I guess the course is just getting harder and I need to study more and I don’t know what to do about the guys. They don’t listen to me.”

Sergeant Major leans forward in his chair and looks me in the eye, “What do you mean they don’t listen to you? Aren’t you the Platoon Sergeant?”

You know exactly what I mean and I hate you for making me stand here and explain it. They see me as weak and without authority and no one listens to me.

“They don’t seem to think so.”

“You know what I think? I think you’re the one that doesn’t seem to think so.”

Oh really? Well that’s such a great observation being you aren’t the one living it and you aren’t the one getting walked in on in the shower and  . . .

I guess I decided to throw myself a little pity-party. Poor Melissa. No one listens to me.

“I don’t know what you mean, Sergeant Major.”

“I mean you’re letting everyone including your roommates walk all over you, aren’t you?”

What does he know about my roommates?

I had had enough of this back and forth and trying to pretend everything was fine when it really wasn’t. I was struggling and Sergeant Major knew that. He clearly could see I was spiraling out of control and then I did the very one thing I did not want to do in PLDC –I could fail or get sent back to my unit, be made fun of, endure sexual harassment –but one thing I didn’t want to do---I couldn’t help it.

I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

Standing there in front of the Command Sergeant Major.

I cried.

And I cried.

And then I sobbed.

You stupid silly girl, Melissa! STUPID GIRL!